| i had an idea and then i forgot because you wouldn't shut up... |
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| void |
[26 May 2008|03:22pm] |
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life threw me a curve ball but in turn i knocked it out of the park. at least in my mind...
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| dear lj. |
[22 Feb 2008|12:56am] |
i miss you. aswell as my friends, i wish i had more time and energy for you.
:(
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| i dont even know how long it's been... |
[22 Aug 2007|04:26pm] |
i never have any time anymore... and when i do have a day off i have to do shit all day and i cant even hang out with anyone... this is all rediculous.
2 jobs...
school starts soon...
always broke... forever...
guh!
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[16 Jun 2007|12:28am] |
perfection.
the honeymoon period will never end.
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[05 Jun 2007|12:36pm] |
Retroactive Withdrawal
Tara L. Murphy
Summer 2007
The reasons I will be withdrawing from the 2007 spring semester are due to financial difficulties and also my current state of mental health. In this letter and its attachments, I will prove why it is important for me to late withdrawal from this semester. First off, this semester started beautifully, then I got a few tickets and was forced to move back home to Poway, to get jobs to pay off my fees. Due to the distance I’d have to travel on a daily basis for work alone, I would not have had enough time to focus on my classes. The second reason I am forced to withdrawal is because two months into the semester my antidepressants/mood stabilizers were stolen leaving me to have to go back to my doctor to get a prescription refilled. This would not have ordinarily been a problem, however, my mother had just switched jobs, changing our insurance and forcing me to wait until the paperwork cleared to get my medications back.
The reason I am on medications is because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, and ADHD. Without my medications it is hard for me to function and focus like everyone else, which ended up affecting my grades as well. So instead of settling for sub-par grades I have decided it would be in my best interest to withdrawal and pick schooling back up by Summer 2007, which I am currently enrolled in, taking six units. By taking the last semester off I have given myself a chance to grow and understand my disorder more as well as become stable on my medications. I hope that my grades will not be affected drastically by my disorder and I will still have a chance at getting into a good graduate school and become successful in my career. Thank you for hearing my case, I hope that you will understand my reasons for this withdrawal and approve my petition.
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[02 Jun 2007|10:35pm] |
i just realized amanda doesn't know about my past month, which has been amazing.
he told me he loves me. he tells me. a lot. he's amazing. call me we'll chat.
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[16 May 2007|12:34am] |
job hunting sucks.
why is this so hard for me?
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| it's pretty official. |
[12 May 2007|02:42am] |
I am off the market, no longer single... weird.
he's amazing. I can't find a flaw...
we went to a comedy club tonight, tony got me ash paul and joel tix. and we might get to go again. being a couple rules!
this has been the best week of my life.
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| post script |
[04 May 2007|03:00pm] |
too all my friends...
i'm over you.
now it's you're turn to get over yourself.
i trust no one.
never again.
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| don't fake your innocence. |
[04 May 2007|02:58pm] |
15 units and jobs this summer.
goodbye life/friends. hello future?
i wish i had more confidence... but it's like everyone is sure i'm going to fail.
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| there aren't enough adjectives... |
[02 May 2007|11:13pm] |
worthless
over weight
broken out
stubborn
loud
annoying
lonely
desperate
addicted
childish
compulsive
whore
alone in my head constantly screaming crying and laughing.
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[24 Apr 2007|03:30am] |
I'm disgusted that I let this last so long.
I cried to tears tonight, one for each loss.
I'm over it though.
why are people so fucking horrible.
does anyone one understand the meaning of friendship...
why didn't I just listen to amy that night.
fuck.
I hate people.
not to mention I'm am idiot for how I've let myself trash my life on the silver platter. I feel worthless... but still worthy... one day you'll all see, i'll be big timin it. its my destiny to be something.
I hope.
ugh I'm so unsure. youth is a struggle. boo.
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[19 Apr 2007|04:45pm] |
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tomorrow is 420... last day to smoke. thank you amy for putting up with me. guh. I suck but lifes decent. ummm yeah. last kings of scotland is on. I'm out.
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[12 Apr 2007|02:56am] |
I live a secret life.
no one will ever know.
amanda I need you.
breakdown.
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[04 Apr 2007|02:49pm] |
The reasons I will be withdrawling from this semester are due to financial difficulties and can also be linked to my current state of mental health. In this letter and its attachments, I will prove why it was important for me to late withdrawl from this semester. First off, this semester started beautifully, then I got a few tickets and was forced to move back home to Poway, to get jobs to pay off my fees. Because of the distance i'd have to travel on a daily basis for work alone, I will not have enough time to focus on my classes. The second reason I am forced to withdrawl is because 2 months into the semester my antidepressants/mood stablizers were stolen leaving me to have to go back to my doctor to get a prescription refilled. All would have been dandy if my mother hadn't just switched jobs, changing our insurance and forcing me to wait till
The paperwork cleared to get my meds back. The reason I am on medications is because I was diagnosed with bipolar disoeder, depression, and ADHD. Without my medications it is hard for me to function and focus like everyone else, which ended up affecting my grades as well. So instead of settling for subpar grades I have decided it would be in my best intrest to withdrawl and pick schooling back up when i'm ready, probably by summer or fall 2007. This way my grades will not be affected as much and I will still have chances at grad school. Thank you for hearing my case, I hope that you will understand my reasons for this withdrawling and aprove my petition.
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[01 Apr 2007|07:29pm] |
He was my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
I slept with my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
Girl I gotta tell you something bout your man and me,
How we,
Crept between the sheets.
It didn't mean anything to me,
But I gotta tell you all the same.
Coz as he called my name,
Believe I felt ashamed.
I know I broke the rules,
I acted like a fool.
I know I broke your trust,
There's no forgiving us.
You are my only friend,
Girl can we start again.
Oh, I'm so sorry...
He was my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
I never meant to cause you pain (Uh Uh),
I'm sorry and I feel ashamed.
I didn't wanna make you cry (Uh Uh),
But I can't keep living this lie.
Girl I know I've been untrue,
All the stress I put you through.
And I broke your happy home,
And now you're all alone.
Oh, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm so sorry,
Cause he was...
He was my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
I slept with my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
How could I put a man before my friend (yeah),
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
It's over.
Believe I never meant to hurt my friend (yeah),
I promise,
I promise,
It's over.
How could I put a man before my friend (yeah),
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
It's over.
Believe I never meant to hurt my friend (yeah),
I promise,
I promise,
It's over.
He was my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
I slept with my best friend's man,
I don't know why but I slept with him.
Now she's mad and I feel bad,
It's over now,
It didn't mean a thing
Girlfriend I'm sorry.
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[01 Apr 2007|04:37pm] |
i'm a home wrecking friendship ruiner.
and i wish i could say i cared.
i love amy.
amanda come to us asap hoe!
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| what happened to february??? |
[14 Mar 2007|09:12pm] |
my blog did. tons of pics in my photobucket.
i'm back at home in poway.
withdrawling from my classes.
getting a few jobs.
poor.
really poor.
extremely really poor.
hawaii was awesome. i miss it. i miss open bar and being drunk all day. i drank the whole 10 days and was sloshed for at least 5 nights... but i haven't touched the shit with the exception of TJ the weekend after i got back. mmm long islands.
i guess i'm quitting after this pack... i can't afford them? i donno... my moms buying me the gum... i'll prolly just try to cut back save funds n stuff.
i'm finishing my resume and applying to wells fargo tomorrow i think... or wamu... i desperately need a nicely paying job.
gotta save up, get students loans, move out and be independent... or just kill myself trying. shit is it harder than i thought... i wanna be in HS again for the sheer fact that money wasn't an issue.
i love pot and pot loves to rape me. boo.
i didn't win the lotto... even though my dream said otherwise... shitty.
i got a speeding ticket today. 82... on the freeway? fuckin cops. who gives tickets at 8am?
i'll leave you with a taste of paradise.
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[22 Jan 2007|11:16pm] |
i'm about 700$ in debt. and i have like 18 to last me till the end of the month.
i have to find a place to live and move out by the 15th.
i leave for hawaii on the 17th.
i started taking my meds today... they're supposed to help me loss the wiehgt i've gained. because of the meds and the lack of pot i have i hardly ate anything today... and because of that i just threw up the little that i did eat. awesome.
but i'm not in a bad mood/depressed or anything... i'm sure it will all work out.
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[15 Jan 2007|01:44am] |
if i had to pick 10 albums for my life sountrack they would be (no order):
1 staind 'break the cycle'
2 incubus 'morning view'
3 kelly clarkson 'breakaway'
4 everytime i die 'hot damn!'
5 mars volta 'de-loused in the comatorium'
6 silverchair 'neon ballroom'
7 linkin park 'hybrid theory'
8 30 seconds to mars '30 seconds to mars'
9 elliott smith 'figure 8'
10 sublime 'second hand smoke'
i'm so mainstream.
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[06 Jan 2007|02:42am] |
every fuckin girl in life needs to stop saying they're fat. if anyone is fat, it's me... i've gained 30lbs in the past 6 months and you dont see me whinning about it.
oh where oh where is my nug jug???
pandora is a bundle of love. when i'm not home she sleeps on my bed all day. when i get home, she follows me around. love her.
joseph leaves tomorrow... it's been a week. omg thank god.
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[30 Dec 2006|08:59pm] |
i fuckin hate me... kinda.
joseph the tweaker might be stayin at my place tonight... i donno about it. but he has no where else to go, i'm a nice person, so sue me.
i was having a nice holidy time but now i'm broke again... well till monday... and... shit why am i complaining i have it the best out of almost all the people i know. i wish i had to work for my shit, i'd probably be more greatfull, not that i'm not, i am so much. i'm rambling.
fuck LJ.
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[20 Dec 2006|04:44am] |
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
ii want to sleep for another day and a half so it can be thursday/friday... i love dreaming, i get lost in my dreams it's amazing.
my brother's in town tomorrow, but he wont come to see us till it's closer to his obligated time slot of christmas eve or even the following morning. he's giving me 50$ for taking care of his gf, who was throwing up blood on her apartment bathroom floor in chula vista last friday. saw lots of things at his apartment, that i "can't tell anyone about"... but i really wasn't too suprised. fuckin jack ass... i'm pissed that i have to live the way i do b/c of him, while he's off buying new denali's and planning his move to *state i can't name* so now i'll see him even less, even though he lives semi close in *another state i can't name* it's still "the less we know the better"... i'm suprised i know as much as i do.
he asked my mom for a hostler thing for his gun for xmas, she was infuriated and i'm sure that really hurts her, more than he could ever imagine.
i'm the only hope my mother has left. it doesn't look like my brother's turning his life around anytime soon, not that he can when he's wanted dead by so many people and has numerous warrents out for his arrest... it's online, you can check it yourself. i remember last xmas he almost didn't come to our house to spend it with us because he didn't want to have to bring a gun in his mothers house, and he needed to in order to protect himself. i wish i could say he's just paranoid... :/
but i miss him alot and i'm so happy i get to see him for the holiday's and i hope he comes to hawaii. it's sad that i'm trying to spend as much time as possible with him b/c i don't know when i'll get that phone call with my mother screaming and crying in the background... i hope the day doesn't come for a while... but the way things are going... i don't know.
well that was depressing...
i'm gonna look up ryan and boy's porn sites.. yeah i'm that bored that i would look up my gay friends on their gay porn sites.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH and my gay boys are so going to tiger heat on thursday... and they're going to hang out with jefree star... and forbidden from myspace... no joke! the perks of the porn industry. i wanna go... apparently jefree star likes to sneak hand jobs on people... lol.
i dont know it i told you LJ peeps, but like 3 weeks ago, my second gay love told me that i'm a gay man trapped in a straight women's body... and every gay boy i tell this to, like Boy today, agrees and says something like "jeeze, you really are."
ugh. not fair.
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[13 Dec 2006|06:27pm] |
last test is tomorrow then i'm free for the holidays. so far the grades seem to be 3 Bs and 2Cs (the C's maybe higher). thats pretty good considering i haven't exactly been trying my best. i did something this morning/afternoon that i shouldn't have. i'm over being poor, i have 2$ to my name and no food in my house a half a pack of cigarettes and luckily a full tank of gas. i've been selling my books back early to get money to eat. i'm losing weight again, jill even says so, which means alot. i haven't had much of an appitite in the past 3 days i've eated 1/2 a quesadilla and a burrito, and i haven't been sleeping much. i'm a mess. i need this break bad.
2 months till my week long cruise in hawaii. :)
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| to go or not to go |
[04 Dec 2006|05:00pm] |
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Drum circle is tonight... Should i go? I have 2 tests and a paper due by the end of th week. Ugh
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